101 Ways to Tell You’re Japanese American

101 WAYS TO TELL YOU’RE JAPANESE AMERICAN By Tony Osumi and Jenni Kuida

1. . You know that Camp doesn’t mean a cabin in the woods.
2. . The men in your family were gardeners, farmers or produce workers.
3. . The women in your family were seamstresses, domestic workers or farm laborers.
4. . Your Issei grandparents had an arranged marriage.
5. . One of your relatives was a “picture bride.”
6. . You have Nisei relatives named Keiko, Aiko, Sumi or Mary.
7. . You have Nisei relatives named Tak, Tad, George, Harry or Shig.
8. . You’re Sansei and your name is Janice, Glen, Brian, Bill or Kenji.
9. . You’re thinking of naming your Yonsei child, Brittany, Jenny, Lauren, Garrett or Brett with a Japanese middle name.
10. . All of your cousins are having hapa kids.
11. . You have relatives who live in Hawaii.
12. . You belong to a Japanese credit union.
13. . Your parents or grandparents bought their first house through a tanomoshi.
14. . The bushes in your front yard are trimmed into balls.
15. . You have a kaki tree in the backyard.
16. . You have at least one bag of sembei in the house at all times.
17. . You have a Japanese doll in a glass case in your living room.
18. . You have a Neko cat in your house for good luck.
19. . You have large Japanese platters in your china cabinet.
20. . You have the family mon and Japanese needlepoint on the wall.
21. . You own a multi-colored lime green polyester patchwork quilt.
22. . Your grandma used to crochet all your blankets, potholders and dishtowels.
23. . You check to see if you need to take off your shoes at your JA friends’ houses.
24. . When you visit other JAs, you know that you should bring omiage.
25. . When you visit another JAs, you give or receive a bag of fruits or vegetables.
26. . When you leave a JA house, you take leftover food home on a paper plate or a styrofoam meat tray.
27. . You keep a supply of rubber bands, twist ties, butter and tofu containers in the kitchen.
28. . You have an air pump thermos covered with lilacs.
29. . You’ve heard Warren Furutani speak at least once, somewhere.
30. . You’ve been to the Manzanar Pilgrimage and danced the “Tanko Bushi.”
31. . Wherever you live now, you always come home to the Obon festival in your old neighborhood.
32. . You know that Pat Morita doesn’t really speak like Mr. Miyagi.
33. . You’re mad because Kristi Yamaguchi should have gotten more commercial endorsements than Nancy Kerrigan.
34. . You know someone who has run for the Nisei Week Queen Pageant.
35. . The Japanese American National Museum has asked you for money.
36. . If you’re under 20, the first thing you read in The Rafu Shimpo is the Sports Page.
37. . If you’re over 60, the first thing you read in The Rafu Shimpo is the obituary column.
38. . When your back is sore, you use Salonpas, Tiger Balm or that flexi-stick with the rubber ball on the end that goes, katonk, katonk.
39. . You’ve played basketball in the Tigers Tournament.
40. . You loved to shop at Fedco.
41. . You’ve bowled at the Holiday Bowl, or at least eaten there.
42. . You’ve been to the Far East Cafe at least once.
43. . You’ve eaten at Mago’s or Kenny’s Cafe on Centinela.
44. . After funerals, you go for China meshi.
45. . After giving koden, you get stamps in the mail.
46. . You fight fiercely for the check after dinner.
47. . You’ve hidden money in the pocket of the person who paid for dinner.
48. . You don’t need to read the instructions on the proper use of hashi.
49. . You know that Benihana and Yoshinoya Beef Bowl aren’t really Japanese food.
50. . You eat soba on New Year’s Eve.
51. . You start off the new year with a bowl of ozoni soup for good luck and the mochi sticks to the roof of your mouth.
52. . You know not to eat the tangerine on top of the mochi at New Year’s.
53. . You have a 12-pack of mochi in your freezer — that you still refuse to throw away in July.
54. . You pack bento for road trips.
55. . You know that the last weekend in April is Opening Day at Crowley Lake.
56. . You stop at Manzanar on the way to and from Mammoth.
57. . You see your relatives at the California Club in Las Vegas more often than you see them in L.A.
58. . Your grandma made the best sushi in town.
59. . You cut all your carrots and hot dogs at an angle.
60. . You know the virtues of Spam.
61. . You were eating Chinese chicken salad, years before everyone else.
62. . You know what it means to eat “footballs.”
63. . You grew up eating ambrosia, wontons and finger Jello at family potlucks.
64. . You always use Best Foods mayonnaise and like to mix it with shoyu to dip broccoli.
65. . You use the “finger method” to measure the water for your rice cooker.
66. . You grew up on rice: bacon fried rice, chili rice, curry rice or red(osekihan).
67. . You like to eat rice with your spaghetti.
68. . You like to eat rice in a chawan, not on a plate.
69. . You can’t start eating until you have a bowl of rice.
70. . You use plastic Cool Whip containers to hold day-old rice.
71. . Along with salt and pepper, you have a shoyu dispenser at your table.
72. . You have a jar of takuan in your fridge.
73. . You buy rice 20 pounds at a time and shoyu a gallon at a time.
74. . Natto: you either love it or you hate it.
75. . As a kid you used to eat Botan rice candy.
76. . You know the story of Momotaro — The Peach Boy.
77. . You have had a pet named Chibi or Shiro.
78. . Someone you know owns an Akita or Shiba dog.
79. . You went to J-school and your best subject was recess.
80. . At school, you had those Hello Kitty pencil boxes and sweet smelling erasers.
81. . When you’re sick, you eat okayu.
82. . Milk makes you queasy and alcohol turns your face red.
83. . Your dad owned a Members Only jacket.
84. . Someone you know drives an Acura Integra, Honda Accord or Toyota Camry.
85. . You used to own one of those miniature zori keychains.
86. . You have a kaeru frog for good luck charm hanging in your car.
87. . Your parents compare you to their friends’ kids.
88. . You hang on the illusion that you are superior to other Asians.
89. . Your dentist, doctor and optometrist are Japanese American.
90. . You know what “S.J.” stands for.
91. . You socialize with groups of eight or more people.
92. . Whenever you’re with more than three people, it takes an hour to decide where to eat.
93. . You and your friends call yourselves “Buddhaheads,” but don’t like it when white people do.
94. . You’ve heard your name pronounced a half-dozen different ways.
95. . You use the derogatory term Kuichi and Kurombo when you should be using Jewish and African American or black.
96. . You know what the acronyms M.I.S., 100th/442nd, J.A.C.L., C.Y.C., N.A.U., S.E.Y.O. and S.C.N.G.A. stand for.
97. . The name Lillian Baker makes your fists clench.
98. . You know that E.O. 9066 isn’t a zip code.
99. . You’re not superstitious, buy you do believe in bachi.
100. . You never take the last piece of food on a plate–but will cut it into smaller pieces.
101. . As much as you want it, never ever take the last anything. Enryo, enryo, enryo.

(copyright 1997 by Jenni Kuida and Tony Osumi)

__NO TOC__

Links

• The Rafu Shimpo article on the 20th anniversary of the original (December 29, 2016) 101 Ways to Define a Community