Samurai Hit Man (SNL)

Samurai Hit Man

March 19, 1977 - Don Marsala (Dan Aykroyd) hires the Samurai to kill, as soon as possible, both Don Cornelius and Don Kirshner.

Season 2: Episode 16

• Advisor 1…..Garrett Morris
• Advisor 2…..Bill Murray
• Don Marsala…..Dan Aykroyd
• Samurai Futaba…..John Belushi

[ open on Don Marsala’s advisors pointing things out on a map of the city ] Advisor 1: As you can see, Don Marsala, we are in an extremely untenable business situation.

Advisor 2: Our expansion in these areas, here, is undergoing what is, shall I say, uh — uh, a “trend of resistance”.

Don Marsala: Okay, come on, come on! Don’t give me this Ivy league mumbo-jumbo! Let ME spell it out for you! All I know is, my conglomerate ain’t conglomerating! I’m losing money! When that starts to happen, I begin to… start re-evaluating my personnel. Now, that means that if my advisors don’t start giving me some sound advice, their next public appearance will be at the supermarket in several brightly-lackaged two-pound bags of pimento loaf.

Advisor 1: Indeed, we discussed that possibility over breakfast this morning.

Advisor 2: Yes, but we HAVE a specific recommendation to increase revenue.

Advisor 1: Yes, the problem is this, Don Marsala — now, the Kirschner Family controls the numbers and the prostitution here and here… and the Cornelius Family is moving into Drug Trafficking Sector B. So, as long as the Kirschner Family and Cornelius Family are fiscal entities, we cannot expand into these areas.

Don Marsala: So what is your recommendation?

Advisor 2: We recommend… that you kill, as soon as possible, both Don Cornelius and Don Kirschner.

Don Marsala: [ thinking it over ] Sounds like a beautiful idea. Yuo got a button man lined up to do the job?

Advisor 2: Yes, we do. We were fortunate enough to secure the services of the best in the business.

Don Marsala: Where is he?

Advisor 1: Uh, he’s right outside your office, sir.

Advisor 2: [ into intercom ] Could you send in the gentleman that’s waiting, please?

Don Marsala: Where’s this guy from, anyway? Our New York men are too well known for this, you know?

Advisor 2: Uh, don’t worry — he’s from out of town.

Don Marsala: Oh, yeah?

[ the office doors open, and in storms Futaba brandishing his sword across the back of his shoulders ] Announcer: And now… another episode of “Samurai Hit Man”.

Advisor 1: Uh, Don Marsala? This is the button man we hired for the job.

Don Marsala: [ stands ] Where you from?

Futaba: [ mumbly ] Detroit!

Don Marsala: Detroit, huh? Well, we’ll just see about that. Who’s the head of the numbers racket in the downtown area there now?

Futaba: [ mumbles something incomprehensible ]

Don Marsala: [ considers the response ] Okay. Now, let me ask you this: what’s his brother doing now?

Futaba: [ mumbles something incomprehensible ]

Don Marsala: [ nods ] That’s right, he doesn’t have a brother. [ brieg pause ] Who was the Sheriff in Wayne County between 1958 and 1963?

Futaba: [ mumbles something incomprehensible, as though slightly offended ]

Don Marsala: I don’t know, either. [ to his advisors ] Hey, this guy’s gonna be alright!

Futaba: [ extends his hand for a shake ] Futaba.

Don Marsala: Alright. [ to his advisors ] Okay, now do you guys have that hit planned, or what?

Advisor 2: We’ve taken all factors into consideration. Now, we know that Don Cornelius and Don Kirschner always eat lunch in the same restaurant.

Don Marsala: Wait, wait, wait, wait! You’re not gonna send this guy into a restaurant — he’ll stick out like a green thumb!

Advisor 1: Oh! Not really. They eat at Benihana’s. [ Don Marsala doesn’t udnerstand ] A Japanese restaurant on the Lower East side. He’ll fit in just fine.

Don Marsala: Okay, tell me something: just how is this hit going to go down?

Advisor 2: We’ve arranged so that he will prepare the food that Don Cornelius and Don Kirschner will eat.

Don Marsala: Show me!

Advisor 1: If we could just have a minute for a brief demonstration.

Don Marsala: Yeah…

[ the advisors run off to prepare their demonstration ] Don Marsala: So… you come out of that Motor City. What’s our price?

Futaba: [ mumbles something incomprehensible ]

Don Marsala: Fair enough. Okay, now you realize that, according to tradition, you must kiss both of the victims.

Futaba: [ waves his hand no ] Uhm uh uh uhhhh… [ he spits ]

Don Marsala: It’s the Kiss of Death!! You DON’T get the job unless you kiss BOTH victims on the cheek!!

[ Futaba steps back and pulls out his sword for an attack ] Don Marsala: Okay, hold — hold it! That one’s negotiable!

[ Futaba puts his sword away, as the advisors wheel in their props for the demonstration ] Don Marsala: What the hell’s all this?

Advisor 1: Ah! This is a simulation of the dining area at Benihana’s. Now, that — [ points at a head of cabbage staked to a pole ] this cabbage here — this cabbage here i Don Kirschner, and this cabbage is Don Cornelius.

Don Marsala: [ to Futaba ] Okay, pal — show me your stuff.

[ Futaba stands before the two cabbage effegies of Dons Cornelius and Kirschner, and bows his greeting before them ] [ Futaba grabs a handful of vegetables and drops it onto the makeshift burner at the center of the table; smoke fills the room ] [ Futaba continues this ritual by dropping more vegetables and water ontp the makeshift burner, as well as twirling spice shakers like numchucks across the counter ] [ Futaba slices vegetables through the air with a small knife, then begins to flick the flying vegetables across the table ] [ Futaba breaks a breadstick in half across his forehead ] Don Marsala: [ stepping forward ] You mean to tell me that you’re going to cook their LAST meal right in front of them?!

[ Futaba responds by sliding his sword back and forth inside its sheath ] Don Marsala: You’re not putting me on? [ Futaba shakes his head no ] Alright, now about that Kiss of Death… [ Futaba snarls ] Is it worth… ten-thousand dollars to you? [ Futaba snarls ] Twelve-thousand, five-hundred?

[ insulted, Futaba extends a smaller sword to his chest and prepares to go hari-kari ] Don Marsala: Okay, okay! Hold it, hold it! Seventeen-thousand dollars, and car fare back to Detroit!

[ Futaba drops his sword and coss as he kisses the fronts of both heads of cabbage. He then whips out his bigger sword and slices each cabbage across the middle. ] Don Marsala: Okay, pal… you got a deal!

[ Futaba shakes Don Marsala’s hand, as they freeze their positions ] Announcer: Tune in next week for another episode of… “Samurai Hit Man”. ] [ fade to black, then fade up on the audience, zoom across to a smiling woman with SUPER: “Has Boring Fantasy Life” ] [ fade ]