101 Ways to Tell You’re Japanese American

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101 WAYS TO TELL YOU’RE JAPANESE AMERICAN By Tony Osumi and Jenni Kuida

  1. . You know that Camp doesn’t mean a cabin in the woods.
  2. . The men in your family were gardeners, farmers or produce workers.
  3. . The women in your family were seamstresses, domestic workers or farm laborers.
  4. . Your Issei grandparents had an arranged marriage.
  5. . One of your relatives was a “picture bride.”
  6. . You have Nisei relatives named Keiko, Aiko, Sumi or Mary.
  7. . You have Nisei relatives named Tak, Tad, George, Harry or Shig.
  8. . You’re Sansei and your name is Janice, Glen, Brian, Bill or Kenji.
  9. . You’re thinking of naming your Yonsei child, Brittany, Jenny, Lauren, Garrett or Brett with a Japanese middle name.
  10. . All of your cousins are having hapa kids.
  11. . You have relatives who live in Hawaii.
  12. . You belong to a Japanese credit union.
  13. . Your parents or grandparents bought their first house through a tanomoshi.
  14. . The bushes in your front yard are trimmed into balls.
  15. . You have a kaki tree in the backyard.
  16. . You have at least one bag of sembei in the house at all times.
  17. . You have a Japanese doll in a glass case in your living room.
  18. . You have a Neko cat in your house for good luck.
  19. . You have large Japanese platters in your china cabinet.
  20. . You have the family mon and Japanese needlepoint on the wall.
  21. . You own a multi-colored lime green polyester patchwork quilt.
  22. . Your grandma used to crochet all your blankets, potholders and dishtowels.
  23. . You check to see if you need to take off your shoes at your JA friends’ houses.
  24. . When you visit other JAs, you know that you should bring omiage.
  25. . When you visit another JAs, you give or receive a bag of fruits or vegetables.
  26. . When you leave a JA house, you take leftover food home on a paper plate or a styrofoam meat tray.
  27. . You keep a supply of rubber bands, twist ties, butter and tofu containers in the kitchen.
  28. . You have an air pump thermos covered with lilacs.
  29. . You’ve heard Warren Furutani speak at least once, somewhere.
  30. . You’ve been to the Manzanar Pilgrimage and danced the “Tanko Bushi.”
  31. . Wherever you live now, you always come home to the Obon festival in your old neighborhood.
  32. . You know that Pat Morita doesn’t really speak like Mr. Miyagi.
  33. . You’re mad because Kristi Yamaguchi should have gotten more commercial endorsements than Nancy Kerrigan.
  34. . You know someone who has run for the Nisei Week Queen Pageant.
  35. . The Japanese American National Museum has asked you for money.
  36. . If you’re under 20, the first thing you read in The Rafu Shimpo is the Sports Page.
  37. . If you’re over 60, the first thing you read in The Rafu Shimpo is the obituary column.
  38. . When your back is sore, you use Salonpas, Tiger Balm or that flexi-stick with the rubber ball on the end that goes, katonk, katonk.
  39. . You’ve played basketball in the Tigers Tournament.
  40. . You loved to shop at Fedco.
  41. . You’ve bowled at the Holiday Bowl, or at least eaten there.
  42. . You’ve been to the Far East Cafe at least once.
  43. . You’ve eaten at Mago’s or Kenny’s Cafe on Centinela.
  44. . After funerals, you go for China meshi.
  45. . After giving koden, you get stamps in the mail.
  46. . You fight fiercely for the check after dinner.
  47. . You’ve hidden money in the pocket of the person who paid for dinner.
  48. . You don’t need to read the instructions on the proper use of hashi.
  49. . You know that Benihana and Yoshinoya Beef Bowl aren’t really Japanese food.
  50. . You eat soba on New Year’s Eve.
  51. . You start off the new year with a bowl of ozoni soup for good luck and the mochi sticks to the roof of your mouth.
  52. . You know not to eat the tangerine on top of the mochi at New Year’s.
  53. . You have a 12-pack of mochi in your freezer — that you still refuse to throw away in July.
  54. . You pack bento for road trips.
  55. . You know that the last weekend in April is Opening Day at Crowley Lake.
  56. . You stop at Manzanar on the way to and from Mammoth.
  57. . You see your relatives at the California Club in Las Vegas more often than you see them in L.A.
  58. . Your grandma made the best sushi in town.
  59. . You cut all your carrots and hot dogs at an angle.
  60. . You know the virtues of Spam.
  61. . You were eating Chinese chicken salad, years before everyone else.
  62. . You know what it means to eat “footballs.”
  63. . You grew up eating ambrosia, wontons and finger Jello at family potlucks.
  64. . You always use Best Foods mayonnaise and like to mix it with shoyu to dip broccoli.
  65. . You use the “finger method” to measure the water for your rice cooker.
  66. . You grew up on rice: bacon fried rice, chili rice, curry rice or red(osekihan).
  67. . You like to eat rice with your spaghetti.
  68. . You like to eat rice in a chawan, not on a plate.
  69. . You can’t start eating until you have a bowl of rice.
  70. . You use plastic Cool Whip containers to hold day-old rice.
  71. . Along with salt and pepper, you have a shoyu dispenser at your table.
  72. . You have a jar of takuan in your fridge.
  73. . You buy rice 20 pounds at a time and shoyu a gallon at a time.
  74. . Natto: you either love it or you hate it.
  75. . As a kid you used to eat Botan rice candy.
  76. . You know the story of Momotaro — The Peach Boy.
  77. . You have had a pet named Chibi or Shiro.
  78. . Someone you know owns an Akita or Shiba dog.
  79. . You went to J-school and your best subject was recess.
  80. . At school, you had those Hello Kitty pencil boxes and sweet smelling erasers.
  81. . When you’re sick, you eat okayu.
  82. . Milk makes you queasy and alcohol turns your face red.
  83. . Your dad owned a Members Only jacket.
  84. . Someone you know drives an Acura Integra, Honda Accord or Toyota Camry.
  85. . You used to own one of those miniature zori keychains.
  86. . You have a kaeru frog for good luck charm hanging in your car.
  87. . Your parents compare you to their friends’ kids.
  88. . You hang on the illusion that you are superior to other Asians.
  89. . Your dentist, doctor and optometrist are Japanese American.
  90. . You know what “S.J.” stands for.
  91. . You socialize with groups of eight or more people.
  92. . Whenever you’re with more than three people, it takes an hour to decide where to eat.
  93. . You and your friends call yourselves “Buddhaheads,” but don’t like it when white people do.
  94. . You’ve heard your name pronounced a half-dozen different ways.
  95. . You use the derogatory term Kuichi and Kurombo when you should be using Jewish and African American or black.
  96. . You know what the acronyms M.I.S., 100th/442nd, J.A.C.L., C.Y.C., N.A.U., S.E.Y.O. and S.C.N.G.A. stand for.
  97. . The name Lillian Baker makes your fists clench.
  98. . You know that E.O. 9066 isn’t a zip code.
  99. . You’re not superstitious, buy you do believe in bachi.
  100. . You never take the last piece of food on a plate–but will cut it into smaller pieces.
  101. . As much as you want it, never ever take the last anything. Enryo, enryo, enryo.

(copyright 1997 by Jenni Kuida and Tony Osumi)

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